Stop talking to me about my weight. I know you mean well, I know you think it’s a compliment, but it’s mine. Mine. Mine. When you say “you lost weight “ what you really mean is “you are now more pleasant on the eye”, “you look better”, “you’ve achieved a goal”. When you compliment me about loosing weight you are pointing out that it's a good thing. That I was fat before. That now i'm not, so i'm worthy of a compliment. You remind me of my weight. You remind me that you notice my weight. You don't care about my health. You don't care about my mental state. You are that I lost weight. Because we all know that my goal in life is loosing weight, right?
I lose weight. I gain it. I lose it. I gain it. With 25 years of eating disorders under my belt (pun intended?) , I’ve lost and gained so much weight. It's almost like counting the accumulated ascent and descents in a hike. Up. Down. Up. Down. I’ve spend so much fucking energy on my weight, hating it, justifying it, negotiating with it. I'm too scared to imagine what would have happened if I’d dedicated that much energy and passion to my career ? To my love life? To my friendships? To understanding what makes me feel good, and not feeding what makes me feel bad?
In my 41 years I’ve agreed to be photographed very few times. my parents have very few photographs of me after the age of 10. Most of my friends don't have any photos of me. I don't have any photos of myself. I have no idea what I looked like 8 years ago. 11 years ago. I only know that I hated it. And when people tell me I look exactly the same as I did years ago, I want to curl up and die.
This is me. "Drowning rat" is what my mom said when I sent her this photo. But at this point I wanted to be photographed. I was at my happiest, at my most satisfied. I was hiking in the falling snow, with mist and limited visibility. An hour earlier I had a breakdown. I literally started crying on the trail. But at this point, I was happy. Truly at peace with myself. So much so that I took my phone out and took a selfie. The first one ever. I didn't spend much time on it - it was bloody freezing without gloves on. And I don't look happy. But when I look at it, I know how I felt back then. On the trail, in the snow, between Italy and Switzerland - I was at peace.
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